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Nov. 8th, 2007 @ 08:15 pm Sober Times
I've been sober for almost 7 weeks and here's what I learned so far, it fucking sucks! It sucks and I hate it. I'm so damn bored. Nothing entertains me. I have a hard time concentrating to watch a movie or read a book. I went to a movie that was almost 3 hours long on Sunday and it took everything I had to sit through the entire thing.

I took off this entire week as a birthday present to myself and it was such a mistake. I've been doing things during the day to keep busy and that hasn't been too bad, but I get so damn bored at night. I can't stand it. I've been taking naps in the evening and I hate doing that because then I can't sleep at night.

I've spent all this time saying that I don't have a problem. During the past week or so, I kept thinking "I can have a drink or 2. It's not like I'm gonna start drinking heavily 3 or 4 nights again. My problem's not that bad." It is though. It fucking is. If it wasn't such a problem for me, I wouldn't be having such a hard time right now and I fucking am. I'm struggling and depressed every damn day and I hate it. I go to the meetings and I go to my groups and it just doesn't help. I can't buy into it like other people do and I wish I could. I'm so jealous of them and I hate to admit that, but I am. They seem genuinely happy and content with where they are with everything and I want that.
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Bart
Oct. 14th, 2007 @ 01:02 pm Hi, I'm Mike...
I went to my first AA meeting yesterday. It made me feel better about myself. I don't think that's supposed to be the point of going, but it's what it did.

I didn't speak. I just sat there quietly next to my friend who I ran into unexpectedly. I heard people speak who were in the program for many years. I listned as people spoke of still struggling with the desire to drink when they woke up in the morning. "That's not me," I thought. Then I thought some more. "That's not me yet and I don't want it to ever be." So maybe stopping now is the right thing. I've actually struggled with it the past few days, wondering if I have the problem that I thought I do. I suppose wondering whether I have a problem is part of them problem.

So for right now, I'll keep going to the meetings. I don't think I'm ready to speak though. Hopefully soon though, I'll be able to make my voice heard.
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Bart
Oct. 4th, 2007 @ 08:39 pm Excuse me if I ramble
I was out with friends last night and it seemed like it had been forever. In a way it had been. I haven't been around very much in the past year. I'm sorry for that. I've been a shitty and undependable friend and I'm even more sorry for that. I was blinded by what I thought was love, but in reality, it was co-dependency and it was very unhealthy.

That being said, I'm now trying to get healthy. It took a DUI and quite a few people pointing it out to me, but I've now realized that I have a serious drinking problem. This Saturday will be 2 weeks since my last drink and I'm making a real effort this time to quit. I'm going to a Drug and Alcohol counseling place next week to begin services. Part of doing this is coming clean about a lot of things and being honest. So here are few things that I think my friends (and that's what I consider all of you and what I hope you still consider me) should know:

- I'm an alcoholic
- I have very low self-esteem and judge myself by how other people view me
or how I think they view me
- I hate being alone
- I like Kelly Clarkson (and not just sexually, I sing when her songs are on
the radio)
- I'm having a very hard time being on my own again
- I don't like new people that way it won't hurt as much if they don't like me
- I am totally insecure with my looks
- I like to dance (I'm not good at it, but I like doing it)
- I'm really starting to freak out about turning 30
- I want to go watch The Office now, so I'll talk to everyone soon. Thanks
for listening.
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Bart
Oct. 1st, 2007 @ 04:20 pm I'd Say What I Have, But I Don't Wanna Get My Ass Kicked
Current Mood: sicksick
I haven't had a "drink" in 9 days. Today I woke up sick. I'm officially cranky and pissy. Yay Monday!
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Bart
Sep. 17th, 2007 @ 05:50 pm Weather Report
I'm to blame for the recent chilly weather we've had. I WENT TO CHURCH YESTERDAY.
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Bart
Apr. 16th, 2007 @ 01:23 am Seafood Sunday
Damn, I didn't realize it's been so long since my last post.

So I've been at my new job for two weeks now. I have to admit, I do like being in charge. It's not that I like bossing peope around, but more the fact that I enjoy making the decisions. It feels good knowing that I'm making decisions to benefit the lives of those who live at the home. So far working with Zoey hasn't been odd either. In theory, we should never have to actually see each other. Theory isn't reality though. My first Friday evening working, I would have been left alone and so I asked her to come in early. It actually went really well and we had a lot fun that night and got more done than most staff there does. So since most Fridays I'd be working by myself, I've asked her to come in early whenever she can on those days.

I'm not crazy about the idea of having to work one day every weekend. Working today was damn near mind-numbing. Not much goes on on Sundays and we probably don't need two staff, but that's what upper-management wants. Thankfully Zoey surprised me by making me lunch and bringing it in. A slow work day is always made better by a crabcake and grilled shrimp.
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Bart
Mar. 2nd, 2007 @ 12:18 pm (no subject)
I decided in the past month or so that I'd like to work in a more administrative role in the mental health field. I'm finding that I just don't have it in me to go see people everyday and deal with their issues on such a direct level. I'd like to make a difference by working for change on a grander scale. I feel that assuming an administrative position is the best way to accomplish this. With that in mind I interviewed for such a position today.

I interviewed for a supervisor position at the group home that I used to work at. I was offered the job on the spot. The person who would be my supervisor let me know that she's leaving her position and would recommend me for that position if I was interested in it. I thanked her and told her that I wasn't sure about either supervisory position. Either position would allow me to shape the group home into what I think it should be. One moreso than the other, but both would allow for it.

The catch is that either position would mean that I would be Zoey's supervisor. If I took the position I was offered today, I would never actually see her at work except for meetings due to our having different schedules. However I'm still torn. Things are going great between us, but I know that me taking either position will eventually affect that. Taking a position like this is something that I really want and can eventually lead to greater things if I excel at it. However, I know it will lead to conflict between the two of us at some point.

I told them I would let them know on Monday of my decision. So I'll spend the weekend debating between professional and personal happiness.
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Bart
Feb. 15th, 2007 @ 01:59 am Retraction
Snow can sometimes cause things to happen that wouldn't normally happen. Tonight was an example of that. So it appears I spoke too hastily earlier. I do NOT hate the MOTHERFUCKING snow!
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Bart
Feb. 14th, 2007 @ 10:02 am (no subject)
I HATE THE MOTHERFUCKING SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Bart
Feb. 13th, 2007 @ 02:22 am (no subject)
I just spent 3 hours on the phone and then found out that I didn't get nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. Fucking ridiculous!
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Bart